Sunday, 30 October 2016

Why the XBox One Scorpio should be called "XBox X"

Here are some cast-iron reasons why Microsoft should christen their so called "XBox One Scorpio" as the XBox X. Be warned, these are merely the rantings of a crazed lunatic. Here goes:

1. It reinforces the fact that the XBox name was primarily taken from the X in DirectX (the 3D graphics API from Microsoft). Of course the X also has the meaning "this computing box can do X (anything)"!.. Much like the Play in PlayStation means "this entertainment station can Play anything (games, music, videos, apps, etc)".

2. The name when said aloud will sound like XBox Sex... A thing most boys owning the system will be dreaming about while sitting on their bed vigorously pounding their joystick.

3. The value 'x' in algebraic mathematics can be any number. This is good because Microsoft have trouble comprehending the function of numbers (a worrying fact for a computing company). Therefore they can circumvent the problem by saying "put any number here that makes sense to you, because we've given up trying".

Let me explain: The original XBox was the first incarnation of the platform. Version 1.0 if you will, of the hardware. Then the second system came out. Logically this would have been the XBox 2 if intelligence prevailed. However, Microsoft had to compete with Sony's PS3. After many months of computation on Microsoft's most powerful computers they managed to deduce that 2 is less than 3.

Amazingly they got the equation correct, although it was only understood by the computers. Getting the executives to also understand it did end up producing this interesting anecdote. The smartest minds at Microsoft figured out that they could substitute the numbers 2 and 3 with the monetary values of $2 and $3. A good thing, because that's the kind of value Microsoft can understand. Therefore they could finally "do the math" and consider the number 2 as inferior.

The fact that their platform was only on its second incarnation, when their rivals had somehow mystically arrived at the third place, had them worried to the very core of their xbones! They had to compete. They had to cleverly sneak a bigger number into the name of their second console.

They initially thought of the name "XBox 3D", but their cool/rich young sons pointed out that it was a pretty lame name. But then as the sons rolled dreamily away on their skateboards, the realisation dawned on the executives. Wheels are cool!.. and when wheels revolve around and back to their starting position it is called one revolution! Therefore they should name the console XBox One! At which point their sons rolled back and reminded them that One is still less than Three, so maybe they should use the name XBox 360 as this is how many degrees a wheel turns.

Thusly the greatest console name ever devised was born! And it was good. And the executives new it was good and nurtured and loved the name so. And the years rolled by, and the name was as the ether of space and time bears eternity. Around and around spun the love of this new born videolamb. And everyone knew so. And everyone said "let the 360 be whole like the quadrants of a pie", and they said "let the quadrants not be of red like a ring of death, but be blue and pure like the majesty of multiplayer gaming". And so it was.

Until the next incarnation. For the 360 era was in the midday sun. Warm and relaxing. But then the hour of next-gen was looming. Lost in the troubles of deciding what "features" to shove down people's throats, Microsoft lost sight of what machine they were trying to make. Kinect eye toy camera feature, cloud gaming feature (for which we still have no idea), digital rights management feature, inter/inyer-face features and other (cr)app features. Sitting pretty at the top of the console war they had no need to compete with this so-called number 4 console of Sony's. They forgot to make a system more powerful than their rival. They were too cocksure to even consider the name XBox 6.283 (radians).

Indeed this new system will be the ultimate. The only system people will ever need. A console that will never be superceded. The one games machine a player will ever need ever again. The XBox One. Yes! It was perfect. Impeccable. It took the meaning of X and rotated it on its head. Now the machine that could do "X" was the One machine that ever will.

Not for one second were the executives aware that the name might confuse people. That maybe there were those who thought of the first XBox, the 360's predecessor, as being known in retrospect as the XBox 1.

Now however the One is being superceded. The Scorpio is on the horizon (possibly with an updated Forza). It's time to drop the One. It's time to leave the numbers behind. It's time for XBox X!!!

4. The name XBox One Scorpio is too long. In fact appending anything to the end of XBox One will basically be too long.

5. No more "X-Bone".

6. They need to move away from the current XBox One (XB1). Although Microsoft (M$) have said all XB1 games will run on XBox One Scorpio (XBS), this has implied that all new games that come out after the XBS has arrived will continue to be compatible with XB1. However, this is a fallacy. They only mean that the XBS will be compatible with XB1 games. In reality the XB1 will not be 100% compatible with XBS games. However, games for the original XBox (XBO) are playable on modern systems through emulation, and XBox 360 (XB2) games can be played on XB1. Additionally future versions such as XBox 4 (XB3) would be able to play games from XB1, XB2, XBS, XBO according to M$ oracles. But it could be expected that the final version of the system, XBox Play (PSX) will not have any actual games for the system but be backwards compatible with XBS, XB$ and XB3 directly, with upscaled quality for XB2 and XBO using the XBR scaling routines with XDR color bandwidth and XSD storage formats using XSL transforms and the M$ executives using XLS spreadsheets for all their XXX.

In a couple of years most games will only work correctly on the XBS. Sure, they might still run on the old XB1 but the frame rate will be something like 12 frames per second, and some features will be completely unavailable.

M$ removed Kinect gesture controls in the vain attempt to "unlock" more of the XB1's power. Clearly this failed. The XB1 will be phased out as a lame goose. This is the only way M$ will gain ground upon the gaming juggernaut that is the PS4. With XBox X slightly outperforming the new PS4 Pro, once again XBox will take the crown it has always paraded, of being the most powerful home games console of them all.


  1. This prediction came true! I reckon it’ll become lovingly known as the Xbonx. hehe

  2. Before one can play emulated games on the Xbox 360, a hard drive and an emulation profile may be needed in order to play original Xbox games